Relationships are integral to our lives. Healthy relationships bring richness, emotional fulfillment, and safety. However, dysfunctional dynamics based on codependency are the opposite. People stuck in the cycle of codependency often feel emotionally drained, dissatisfied, and trapped.

What is Codependency?

Codependency is a pattern of behaviors where a person’s sense of identity and self-worth is highly influenced by the needs and emotional states of others. In codependent relationships, a rescuer-victim dynamic is common, with one person taking on the role of ‘the rescuer’, who prioritizes the needs and wellbeing of ‘the victim’. The rescuer neglects their own needs and feelings, suppressing their desires and boundaries.

Who is at Risk of Developing Codependency?

Codependency often stems from childhood experiences, particularly growing up without emotional stability and clear boundaries. Trauma, abuse, or neglect can make a person more susceptible to codependent behavior patterns. These factors contribute to a deep-seated need to people-please and seek external validation, often at the expense of one’s own wellbeing. Individuals with their own mental health challenges and low self-esteem can be particularly drawn to codependent relationships, stepping into the role of ‘the rescuer’ to heal their wounds by helping others.

How Do I Know if I Am Codependent?

Recognising the signs of codependency can be very difficult because these behaviors and thought patterns are deeply ingrained. However, identifying some of the following signs in your behavior or thoughts can be an important first step in reevaluating your relationships:

- Emotional Enmeshment: Prioritizing the emotions and wellbeing of others at the expense of your own needs. This comes from an inflated sense of responsibility for managing others' emotional states, often reinforced by the validation of feeling needed.

- Difficulty Setting Boundaries: Setting and enforcing boundaries can be extremely challenging, often feeling inappropriate or unsafe. Fear of rejection and abandonment makes saying ‘no’ difficult, leading to suppressed feelings and actions dictated by others' needs.

- Low Sense of Self-worth: Codependency is closely linked to self-esteem. Validation from others temporarily boosts self-worth, encouraging further self-sacrificing behaviors. Over time, this pattern erodes self-esteem and distresses the individual.

- Intense Fear of Rejection/Abandonment: Codependent behaviors develop to protect against rejection or abandonment but ultimately leave a person more vulnerable. Attending to others' needs weakens one’s self-awareness and resilience to handle challenges.

- Challenges with Developing Self-awareness: Codependent individuals might struggle to identify their own thoughts, feelings, and motivations. Suppressing emotions and needs to avoid conflict undermines trust in their perceptions.

Lessening the Grip of Codependency

Breaking free from harmful patterns requires conscious effort and commitment. If you believe you may be codependent, here are the first 4 steps to start your recovery journey:

1. Name the Problem: Recognize and accept your codependency, and honestly assess its impact on your mental health and relationships.

2. Explore Your Boundaries: Use your feelings as a guide to map out where you might want to set boundaries in the future.

3. Focus on Yourself: Learn to give yourself the same attention you give to others. Engage in activities that bring you happiness and fulfillment to nurture your physical and mental health.

4. Seek Support: Boost your self-esteem by surrounding yourself with supportive people and proceed at a pace that feels right for you. Consider working with a professional to learn to set boundaries and navigate changing relationships.

What Next?

Recovery from codependency can be a long journey, but it is worth it. Breaking away from codependency leads to empowerment, enhanced self-awareness, healthier self-esteem, and more fulfilling relationships. If you are looking for support around attachment issues and codepency, consider contacting a psychotherapist in Lisbon. Book a free initial video call with Alicja today to explore how therapy can help you navigate codependency and build healthier relationships.

*The information provided in this blog post is for general educational and informational purposes only and should not be construed as medical or mental health professional advice. If you are struggling with any of the issues described in this post, please seek appropriate personalised help from a qualified mental health professional.

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Sources:

DSM-5: Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders by American Psychiatric Association

Codependents Anonymous (CoDA) at https://coda.org/

Rethinking Codependency: A New Perspective on Relationships" by S. Donaldson-Pressman

Codependency for Dummies by D. Lancer